He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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