Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
