dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
