Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Randomize
