Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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