dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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