I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
