Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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