I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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