Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
