A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
