omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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