Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
