New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
