Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
