True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.