My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
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He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
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He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....