wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Alive.
So much puke
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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