Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
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Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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