stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
