I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
