Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
