Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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