I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
