The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
