Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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