I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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