i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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