I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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