I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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