I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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