They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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