not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
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