I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
