why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Randomize
