I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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