This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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