Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
