Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
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