My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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