My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
