got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Someone signed my nipple.
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