You can't motorboat a personality
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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