Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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