She's JV to your varsity
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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