saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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