I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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