Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
