Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
