He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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