my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
