party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I'm always down for nudity.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
