Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
