you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
