Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
