she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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