The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
