bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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